Things not to say or do at your thesis defense...

  1. Charge 25 cents a cup for coffee.
  2. Puppet show.
  3. "You call THAT a question? How the hell did they make you a professor?"
  4. "Ladies and Gentlemen as I dim the lights, please hold hands and concentrate so that we may channel the spirit of Karl Friedrich Gauss..."
  5. Have bodyguards outside the room to "discourage" certain professors from sitting in.
  6. Animal sacrifice to the god of the Underworld.
  7. Sell T-shirts to recoup the cost of copying, binding, etc.
  8. Have a bikini-clad model be in charge of changing the overheads.
  9. Charge a cover and check for ID.
  10. "Anybody else as drunk as I am?"
  11. Smoke machines, dramatic lighting, pyrotechnics...
  12. Use a Super Soaker to point at people.
  13. The Emperor's New Slides ("only fools can't see the writing...")
  14. Two-drink minimum.
  15. "Which reminds me of a story - A Black guy, a Chinese guy, and a Jew walked into a bar..."
  16. "There will be a short quiz after my presentation..."
  17. "Professor Robinson, will you marry me?"
  18. Halftime show.
  19. "OK, which one of you farted?"
  20. Sell those big foam "We're number #1" hands.
  21. Circulate a vicious rumor that the Dead will be opening, make sure that it gets on the radio stations, and then escape during all the commotion.
  22. Post signs: "Due to a computer error at the Registrar's Office, the original room is not available, and the defense has been relocated to (Made-up non-existent room number)"
  23. Use a Greek Chorus to highlight important points.
  24. Answer every question with a question.
  25. "I don't know - I didn't write this."
  26. Roll credits at the end. Include a key grip and a best boy.
  27. Invite the homeless.
  28. Mosh pit.
  29. Have cheerleaders. ("Gimme an 'A'!!")
  30. Hang a sign that says "Thank you for not asking questions."
  31. Start giving your presentation 15 minutes early.
  32. Play drinking thesis games. Drink for each overhead. Drink for each question. Chug for each awkward pause. This goes for the audience as well.

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